Pride

“Was it him?” 

The thought rang out loud on his mind, ever since he saw that guy on supermarket. Some one once wisely said that, if you feel Déjà vu of having met someone quite frequently, it means you are old!! When that someone happens to be your grand-daughter, she can never be wrong!! Off late I seem to run into people who give me similar looks, confused whether we know each other or the creepy version of “why this guy is staring at me?!!!”.

When he responded back with same quizzical look, it was my turn to look down, doing an imaginary search for an unknown lost item.

“Are you…are you Ram by any chance?” 

“er..yes. And you are..Anil right?”

“ENDAAA DEI……Ethana naal aachu unna paathu” the same baritone voice with mild yet noticeable tremors, caught the attention of all shoppers on aisle 3.

“You are Ram from Viveka right?” he asked silently

“Idha mudhalla ketutu apruma kathirukanum…ipo illa sonna enna pannuva” 

“Nee theravay maataa nu appovay theriyum…epdida irukka? Inga enna panitruka”

“Aadhar card la palm oil vaangalam nu vandhiruken”

“Ippo aadhar vachu palm oil kooda vaangalama..technology has improved so much”

We both were giggling and chuckling at each other. The shopping on aisle 3 got diverted to other rows.

“When did we meet last?” queried Anil

“It was 1990. We are in 2021 now”

“Wow..20 years aadicha”

“31 years. ipovum maths thappa thaan podria”

“hehehe..nee correcta solria nu check pannen”

“mmkum..how are your kids and grandkids”

“enakku kalyanam aanadhu kooda unakku teriathu nenakren..grandkids irukunu epdi kandupudicha?!!”

“Unnoda Shopping basketla pampers iruku.Baby size. Kandipa unakkilla nu oru assumption(!!). Probability of that being for your grand kid is more than for your neighbours. Hence proved. Adhu mattumillama..ithana nerathuku more than one marriage aagirukanum unakku.”

“Super Sherlock Holmes..My son has been blessed with a girl child. Ipothaan..6 months aaguthu.”

“Congratulations. Hows Mrs. Anil”

“Well..She is at peace with herself”

“ohh..so sorry to hear that. My condolences”

“Dei…at peace sonen..rest in peace illa!!! She is still alive”

“oops..unkuda peacefula irukka vaaippay illaiya..adhaan lighta misunderstood. Sorry”

“Idhukonnum korachal illa..hows your family”

“All good..oru ponnu and her daughter are keeping both of us very busy”

“hmm..superda..nice catching up after a really long time..so much has changed ila?”

“If nothing has changed in 3 decades..then that means something is seriously wrong..hahaha”

“haha…that is true. Last meeting was after that entrance exam results right?”

“wow..you do remember!!”

“Pinna..india laye apdi oru madathanamaana decision edutha oray aal neeya thaana iruppa..how can anyone forget”

Ram just smiled to himself and started walking towards the billing counter motioning Anil to join him.

“I always wanted to understand why you didn’t join despite getting selected for IIT. Any regrets around that decision?” asked Anil

“Even after all these years it helps as a conversation topic..at least for that it was worth it” smiled Ram

“But why? Why did you reject a seat at the top institute of India? It still bugs me why were you adamantly stupid”

“hahaha…reason sonna un statement correct nu prove aagidumay”

They both finished their billing and came outside to hot sun.

“Semma veyilla iruku..anga food court la ukkanthukalama” asked Ram

“Sure..sakkara podaama rendu coffee sollata”

“Unakku diabetes iruntha enakkum irukanuma..naan sherbeth kudikkavay Sakkara potupenakum”

“idhukonnum kurachal ila”

After placing their orders, they chatted about their family life and career for a bit and the topic again turned towards the question raised by Anil

“Enda apdi panna?”

“Ippo I can tell you lot of justifications. Aana did I thought through all this at that time? I honestly didn’t know. But it is one of the first of major decisions I ever took in my life that were life changing”

“But what was the reason? There are people who literally die to get into IIT. It would’ve definitely changed your life for better. Why you dropped it? Last minute jitters? Money problem? Illa idha vida better option irunthucha?”

“Again..whatever I answer now, not sure if it would’ve been the same had you asked me at that time. Did you know I was taking tuition classes from our second year onwards?”

“oh? Is it..i never knew.”

“No one knew at that time and possibly you are the only person I’ve told you and that too after all these years”

“Tuition edukarathu enna military secret a? Idhu share panna enna? Anyway most of us were hogging you with our doubts and you were almost taking classes free of cost in a way for us. Idhula enna iruku?”

“True. Avlo scene illathaan. Irunthaalum I was very shy and for some reason embarrassed to say anything at that time. The money that we got from my tuition classes was not much but was giving a bit of a cushion along with my dad’s salary. Not that we were dependent on that, but it was not unwelcome as well. My dad suspected this could’ve been the reason and was very sad behind my decision. But honestly more than that money, the fees and other associated costs where very scary and I didn’t want to burden him with debt.”

“Enga kitta sollirukalamayda. Not that my folks were well off. I myself got through with education loan only. Idhukagava apdi oru opportunity miss panna”

“Adhu mattum reason illada. I despised that institute from my school days. My entire classmates were so hung up on joining that institute that it used to be the only thing I ever heard for the last 6 years of my school life. When my friend’s parents meet mine anywhere on the way, they will only ask to which coaching classes I am going and how is the preparation. Enakku school subjects clear pannavay thindaatam. And it used to put my mom especially in an awkward situation. They will casually remark to her that I am also a bright kid and would do well which ever stream I get into eventually. Condescending at best, it was more of a boast from their end as to how their kids are shining so bright and will be the toast of everyone”

“Ennada madathanama solra. Your school mates would’ve joined at UG level after coaching. You managed to crack the PG level entry and that too without coaching. Did you know how much our maths HOD was angry with you for not joining his class and after hearing your decision how much sadder he was. Of the 20 who went to his class, only 4 of us cleared. He was so proud of you that his student cleared such a tough entrance exam and had he known the reason, he himself might’ve paid for your fees”

“I actually did meet him in person along with my dad”

“Wow!!!! So you knew? What did he say? Did he not stop you?”

“He did try his best. The entire department faculty where there. In fact our then HOD, offered me a full scholarship to pursue PG in our own college with part time teaching job for UG folks, including stipend”

“Wow…andha sotta mandaikkula ivlo nalla ennama..kallukull eeram na idhaan..but unnoda profile la PG vera college name potruka?”

“Correspondencela thaan pannen”

“You must be seriously nuts. Adhaan job koodavay PG panna namma collegelaye offer pannangalay..aduvachum poirukalamla. Would’ve answered your financial situation query too”

“True. Aana after dropping IIT, adhey streamla vera enga padikavum ishtamilla. Venda veruppa oru course senthen..kadisila adhuvay life aadichu”

“You have always been strange. Your decisions are even stranger. Suthama logicay illa. I am not saying you are worse off now. But I am more than confident you would’ve been much better off, had it been the other choices”

“I don’t know. No complaints or regrets. I am happy with what I am now and what I was then.”

They said their byes to each other with promises of meeting more frequent, at least on social media.

While walking back home, Ram went through the events that happened before and after he made that decision.

“You’ve proved every one that you are brilliant. You’ve beaten all of them. Let me help you to cross over to the other side. Tell me how can I help” the earnestness and fondness with which his professor spoke was still ringing fresh on his ears.

How can he tell everyone that it was just to satisfy his ego he even took the exam. How can he explain that it was more of a test of his own self, whether he was as capable as his fellow mates who were all alumni of that damned institute. How convincing his arguments would be if he revealed that by clearing that test without any additional coaching he wanted to and had proved, to all those people who looked down on him as if joining that institute was salvation and he was too dumb to even comprehend such thing as an option. How will he justify the hatred that was boiling inside him about that faceless institute that was traumatizing his existence for the better part of his student days. And finally what will people think of him, when he actually told them of the pride with which he tore the application for paying fees.

Of all the rides one can ever try, pride is the most dangerous one, for it is the most addictive of all drugs. In any dimension across every multiverse, at any other point of time, he would kick himself into accepting that offer, shouting from roof tops in joy. But this is now and in this life, the satisfaction of knowing to his own self that he was not a dumb person was more than sufficient for him.

When he reached his house, his wife was actually surprised to see him smiling with a sense of satisfaction.