Of realities and realizations

I often used to wonder how my dad managed to go through things that he would’ve during his mid-life. I have specifically avoided the word crisis, not that he never encountered one, but quite sure he never made any of us at home, realize about it. He was adamantly strong person, physically and mentally, yet retained his childlike innocence at heart. Considering that he had to feed 4 mouths in his meagre salary and ensure that top notch education are also made available for his kids, slogging through an organization that rarely recognized him, I never remember him cribbing majorly about his office situation. I do remember on and off cases when he actually felt bad about the lack of recognition for his efforts or how they take things for granted when a task is given to him, but even in such scenarios he would be telling that with pride how he solved that situation for his organization more and less on how they don’t realize his worth. He served in the same company for more than 3 decades and from what I could make out from the tasks he used to narrate, possibly was doing more than a couple of specialist FTE role. Whenever he used to do something new, you can notice the difference in him that day. He would be feeling very happy and would keep narrating the events and how he managed them. Never thought that without even realizing he had been sharing valuable knowledge on how to handle your office life at home. Now that I think of it, I had followed not a single instance of his ways when it came to my own situations and would doubt if I would in future as well. For he is of a different mettle and make. 

Unlike his dad’s approach towards him, his approach in raising me had been very different. For all my failings in being part of groups and gangs I feel the pampering with which I was raised by my parents could be at the root of it. Unknowingly I am expecting similar treatment from people around me may be. That is why despite all the positivity I harp on the bad things done by them to turn inwards. And also, I often need an ear to hear my thoughts, other than mine. But I rarely open mine to hear. The purpose of those monologues would be to hear out my problem statements at their absurd best level and figure out the way on my own. But that sounding board is a definite must for having such conversations inside the head would be like conducting symphony, during peak hour traffic on Sholinganallur signal. Too much noise to filter out the right signal. Unlike my parents who could get their job done silently and without voicing out their issues and frustrations, for me it is always the drama around those situations. When I make a mental note of things I can control and things I cannot it always comes out very simple and that kills the satisfaction of creating a scene about them. I will kick myself out every time when I realize this and at times it is quite overwhelming. Why should I be the right one always and get myself corrected for the better? Does others around do the same thing, while they get away with being themselves? Philosophically there may be lot of answers. But for materialistic beings like me, theory doesn’t suffice. The failings, the fallings and the learnings all go hand in hand, despite there being better options. 

My dad had lived the life in the absolute way possible that even after all these years, no one dares or has anything negative about him. My mom is another living example of taking things on the chin and moving on. At times, even the best of teachers can’t help unless the student is willing.