Of moving on and lingering

There is always this one question that is the hardest to answer and yet the easiest on paper. It is a single big word – WHEN. When to react and when not to? When to speak and when silent? When to move on and when to linger till things are settled? I am always stumped for an answer to these basic questions for my response to all of them have always been unidirectional and as a set template. I react almost always. I speak out almost always. I rarely move on and linger around what happened and how it should have happened and take things personally. Whenever people advise that we should let things go and not take it personally, I find it to be fake and even if I could see them practice what they preach, to me it feels very phony and not being true. But even after being at the wrong receiving end of several such instances, I continue with my bull-headed approach. Recently I almost got into a quarrel when someone several levels higher up was accusing me for something that I didn’t do. Enraged was a simpler word to describe how I reacted and in front of others on the call. I took it to the heart was an understatement and I visibly reacted on the call which resulted in couple of other senior people on the call, calling me up later and trying to calm me down. I am one person who find it difficult to control my emotions when being blamed for things I am not responsible for and the more I introspect the reason turns out to be fear more than anything else. Fear of being found fault, fear of what others are thinking about me, fear of what others will think if I don’t react which might be taken as an implicit acknowledgement of the charge. I have always factored my anger being based out of my fear(s) leading to existential questions and it has resulted in many a sleepless night. Being disrespected is something that again fuels the raging embers and as my luck turns out, whomever I’ve supported or helped in their career, invariably they turn out to be the ones who do the kicking and stabbing. What I understood from conversations with other such impacted people was that they had similar or at times even worser experiences but have somehow managed not to get themselves tied to those instances and have moved on. Maybe I was trying to be the perfect person for everyone and every situation that is resulting in even the slightest or the mightiest of such situations to derive same kind of response from my end. While going through all these commotions wifey was just entering home back from office. She was narrating a difficult situation in office where she was at the receiving end for some issue caused by a colleague and since she took that call the customer was venting out on her. Quite sure she would’ve been royally upset on that scenario be with the customer and with her colleague for messing it up. But when she was narrating that incident, she was very calm and composed and even smiled while recollecting how angry that customer was!!! Had it been me on her shoes, I would’ve taken at least a couple of days to come out of that mindset with a cloud hovering forever above my head!! May be this aspect of forgiving oneself for mistakes that are dumped on us by others, knowingly or unknowingly is something that I need to follow very diligently. My anger only spurs more negativity and every time I feel I’ven’t “avenged” myself, I only end up fueling hatred for that person. I cannot wear a mask for saving my skin at any point of time. But for my own sake I think I need to be at peace with my own self so that that fire doesn’t burn me from inside!!! Idhellam dialoguea padikkarachay vakkanaiya irunthaalum..kola veri aagarapo amaidhiya irukarathuku oru vazhi kandupudichay aaganum!! Midilaaa saammee…