Of learnings and observations

Couple of days back there was an issue that I was talking to wifey about and when she couldn’t understand what I was telling despite explaining the banking process multiple times I felt irritated. My voice rose and junior who was watching all this stepped in the middle like a refree and asked me why I was getting so angry. I actually wasn’t angry and was only feeling irritated having had to explain my point of view so many times. But when he made that comment it immediately struck me how it is being perceived by people on other side!! I calmed down and asked my queries one by one and eventually it was me who was under the wrong understanding of the process!!! This one turned out to be an eye opener in literal sense for me, for I always wondered why people perceive me as short tempered and all the while the answer was right in front of me or rather within me to be precise. It’s the vocal tone with which I respond and possibly my facial reactions as well may be (did I just define anger as an emotion physiologically??) when I get wrongly understood that sets me up as an angry person I guess. 

It made me realize that even in office, I focus too much on things being right and them being in right in the way I see them as right!!! It could be the right way, but need not necessarily be the only right way was the realization. I might’ve learnt things in a particular way and might’ve become the person I am by adopting certain methodologies that I felt are the right thing to do. But when others don’t bother that much about what they are expected to do, I feel responsible for their actions and eventually get threatened about my credibility. In a way, as the cliched saying goes, I have been under the impression that everything revolves around me and if the Atlas in me shrugged, the world will collapse. Why do I feel responsible for other people’s actions and why do I get afraid when they don’t care about the end results as much as me? Why do I keep linking myself with their actions and its consequences? Many a times I’ve been on the receiving side for improper work done by others. But now that I think of it, maybe I invited it on myself!! Detaching myself from everything may not be the answer but at the same time I cannot be blaming myself for everything that goes wrong around me. I feel under appreciated or lack of recognition for things I do, simply because, while victory has many dads, failures are orphans. When that realization hit me, I felt I had been trying too much to straighten the world where others are happy being whom they are, even though they are aware of their misgivings and are least bothered about the implications. They acknowledge their actions or lack of it on being ignorant and don’t care much about the consequences. The best part is, they get away with it as they proudly wear their ignorance as a shield as a justification for not doing their jobs!!! I realized I don’t want to be like them shirking the responsibilities even if they were not mine and  at the same time, I don’t have to worry so much about people taking me for granted either. I like solving things and giving solutions and if that is going to be what I will be identified with, so be it. Coming back to the point raised by Junior, I will definitely try to work on the way I say things for he will surely be closely watching!!