Reflections

Not a day goes by without me missing my dad. With each passing day, I continue to wonder about the kind of childhood and care he gave us and the way he managed to hold the family together financially, at times thinking if it was all even real and possibly a scene out of matrix!! To put things in context, my PG course fees per semester was 9 times his salary at that time and he also had 4 mouths to feed at home alongside other expenses, including educational expenses of my sibling as well!! More than the money or the ability to earn it, I am amazed at the level of confidence he must’ve had in himself and the belief that he can pull it off!! Ditto goes for my mom who was a home maker and as I used to teasingly say then, which sounds emphatic now, that had she been the finance minister of India, we would’ve been a surplus economy several decades back! Somehow, they managed to not just balance out the expenses but also in ensuring what was “must” and be always available. It is not a survival story but a lesson on how they not just lived but without the strain of any burden. Not a single Rupee of loan was ever sought and that was one mantra he carried on till his last breath, ensuring that we never felt the hassle of a deficit. Despite having been brought up in such a setup, I am still clueless when it comes to securing our future. How much is needed or how much is sufficient or what cover would be needed if in case of my demise – the fear factor of “what if” and thoughts of future has always been disturbing and with each passing year, it only adds to the stress. Living in the present, enjoying life as is, not thinking about something we cannot control are all nice statements and I find them quite difficult to remember when in times of need. When I look at my peers, somehow, they seem to have a plan or at least a semblance of how they are trying to secure their family and their future. To quote Phobe I don’t even have a “p” leave alone a plan. Every time I feel like getting a move on, I end up being pulled two steps behind from where I started rather than ahead. As my mom keeps saying, as a statistic I could probably in the top 0.001% when I compare what we’ve vs the others who are much worser than us. But progress is not measured by looking back but rather ahead, right? And what I see as progress or something that would set me at peace is what my dad achieved in his time with much less resources. His ability to keep things within himself and not worrying about them, rather than working towards addressing what needs to be done is something I want to learn but don’t know how to!  The more self help and positivity books I read the more stressful it makes me, for they never say action but “speak words”.  

In the mix of all these conflicting thoughts happened to stumble upon an interview where that person, who was also undergoing similar thoughts apparently was asked some questions by the spiritual guide/friend of his. When he was complaining about lack of things in his life, that guy had simply asked him to count what and all he has. This guy has started with his bank balance, for which his friend had stopped him right there and asked him what he has in house. When he started with number of rooms and stuff, he was stopped again and was asked to count more in detail, to the extent that, how many pillows he was having, how may bedsheets, how many buckets, how many mugs, how many plates etc. That guy who initially laughed at the mention of all this, slowly realized the point his friend was trying to make. It might not have solved his stress, but in a way, it answered many questions that were troubling him. After watching that video, I felt the same. Being content and being idle can never be compared and the difference between the two may only be realized by those who practice is than those who “evaluate” it from outside. And how much of such “feedback” we carry mentally without even realizing is something that struck me strongly! At the outset I might’ve rubbished such things, but somehow inside the consciousness it got imbibed and had grown big! I was pondering over this and happened to be browsing through some of the older posts. I couldn’t recognize my own writing and could find how much sober or drab the posts have become over the years. I hardly have any friends to talk to leave alone acquaintances and as the cliché goes it has been a really long while since I had a hearty laugh or series of happy moments. Not that it requires a ribbon cutting ceremony, or an invite to be happy but I feel as a society in general, humour sense has dwindled a lot and seriousness/dark stuff has really taken over our thoughts and lives!! Even the comedy or what happens in the name of comedy is always at the risk of anyone’s wrath for “Roast” or “Insult” is being touted as the go-to form of entertainment. I just want to take a pause and probably revisit some of the stuff that I did before, see some old movies without being cynical about them, read some familiar books that used to give me joy. It may or may not give the results that I am looking for, but at least it was a path well trodden before and might not conjure more confusion and chaos than what is already there!