Of introspections and understanding self

I’ve typed several versions of this post and had deleted every single one of them without posting. At times, pouring out the thought on a note and deleting them after re-reading them, gives a cathartic effect. It feels like shouting into the wind that no one else can hear. But this space being my virtual residence for almost 17 years now(!!!) has tracked many of my of my pheelings and mokkais in its unfurnished naked form of truth. Unknowingly I’ve created a repository of what I underwent enough to worth a mention as a blog post in the past to have a measure of how I am today. Sadly I couldn’t find much of a change in my thought process, but at least I’ve the data points to crib and maybe improve as well. I am still scared of the unknowns and the more scarier the scenario the more angrier I get, often lashing out at unassuming coparticipants in my life, who used to have no clue on my mood, but off late have got accustomed to the patterns.  I still struggle in accepting the fact, that just because I can put myself in other’s shoes or understand their actions, it doesn’t necessarily merit an equivalent response in return. I still struggle in following and accepting general social cues, where people have to keep in touch before asking for any help or favor. But the problem is that, the admonishment of such actions also happens inside and is quite irritating to hear, even though it is the voice of reason. 

A colleague of mine said I am like that “Ambi” character in Anniyan movie, who keeps finding fault with others and cursing himself why others can’t be more disciplined or more truthful, eventually ending up in trouble for trying to correct others. As a prophecy said couple of decades back, a classmate of mine said something similar by pointing to a quote from some book as meant for me – “one who finds faults with others remains friendless”. It is not that I’ve taken it on myself to correct the world or I am 100% perfect. In a recent conversation, one guy casually suggested that I need to move into the “Remo” version and not digress into the “Anniyan” part of the personality (Heavily influenced by that movie!!). I felt it was a quality advice at best that I’ve ever heard about me and for me. I realized that I am afraid of people tagging me as lazy and not doing my work properly. And possibly this is the reason why I am always on red alert lest people may point fingers at me for being wrong. The expectation that I’ve in my mind for the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I am made out to be is creating so much mental chaos that I resort to binge watching mind numbing amount of drama series, drowning my thoughts, mind-killing those moments that would’ve otherwise lead to more self-analysis. It is a curse to understand when people lie to you in person and when you can do nothing about it, fully knowing their actions behind your back. The amount of effort it takes to be professional is minimal but the amount of mental energy required to force your focus away from the fake façade is immense and really takes a toll on my sleep. For someone, who used to sleep 10 hours minimum during night times, struggle to have a decent hour of sleep. It is making me all the more negative and like a magnet it keeps attracting more negativity, highlighting only the bad things in people around me. 

I really wish for a meaningful break that can be peaceful and satisfying. Hope it materialize soon. 2021 is the worst year for me health wise having been sick for most of the year. Every time when a change happens in my life, especially official side, the mental agony that precedes it has become a routine. Respect has been the only thing that I’ve desired all throughout my career and has been the only reason why I’ve switched across companies in my profile. I hope by early next year, something good happens and I am where I want to be :)